


Love, Malec

by Katitty



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Background Camille Belcourt, It might not make sense please don't hurt me, Love Simon AU, M/M, MY SONS, Malec, it's all a little backwards but don't worry I've got this under control, we stan two penpals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-04-22 14:10:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 14,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14310390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katitty/pseuds/Katitty
Summary: A backwards take on the most precious gay love story there is.A Malec take on a Love, Simon AU.(Yes. I changed the summary. I'm not great at them.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be one of the first multi-chaptered fics that actually took a lot for me to write. If you haven't noticed, I usually write one-shots. So. Don't judge it too harshly.
> 
> I don't know how long it'll be so lets just all hang on for a wild ride.
> 
>  
> 
> Every chapter will come with an 'email chapter' after it. Because I'm a whole mess and I don't know how more than 1 chapter works okAY?!?!?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You'll probably get the gist of how this fic is going to play out. It's hard to remember to place certain things in certain places, so if you get lost just look at the time stamps on the emails. We'll move pretty quickly from August to December through the first few chapters. 
> 
> I don't want this to be super long because I'm not great at writing super long fics.

Alec was 12 when he really figured it out.

 

His parents had introduced him to a young boy with neat blonde hair and eyes that didn’t match. It wasn’t like a whole thing for him. It was more like a moment, a freeze frame in time where Alec sort just realized.

 

‘ _Oh. This is what I like._ ’

 

He likes to look back on it and think that he was completely innocent (though he’d gotten himself into his fair share of trouble) because it wasn’t until a few years later when he’d learned what school change rooms were, that he really _really_ got it.

 

His little crush on Jace lasted about as long as his patience did with the boy.

 

Alec doesn’t like personal questions and he’s never liked people who don’t know how to shut up.

 

He likes the quiet. And privacy.

 

“Do you not like me?” Jace had asked, a kicked puppy from the moment they’d met.

 

‘ _No,_ ’ Alec had thought, ‘ _I don’t_.’

 

“You’re very loud,” he’d said.

 

\---

 

He met Pretty Magnus Bane in the first math class of his freshman year.

 

He’d walked in with a confidence Alec envied, a firm look of determination on his face and his backpack straps over both his arms. Which had had a few kids snickering.

 

You weren't cool if you were sensible.

 

He’d sat down next to Raphael, the creepy Christian boy who glared at anyone no matter what they did.

 

Alec still thinks they were a weird combination, but they ended up staying friends for long after that first day, so he guesses it works.

 

\---

 

Alec, surprisingly, was there for Magnus’s first heartbreak.

 

At 15 he’d just happened to be there when Camille Belcourt had laughed in his face and told him he was pathetic, before twirling around and swaying her way down the empty school hallway.

 

“Oh,” Magnus had seen him as he’d turned to walk in the other direction. He was crying and Alec had no idea how to deal with that. “She doesn’t want to go to prom with me.”

 

Magnus chuckled a little, before walking past Alec and sprinting off as soon as he turned the corridor. Alec could hear his feet hit the floor.

 

\---

 

At 16, Alec’s whole world decided to flip itself over and have him fall in love with a mystery man.

 

He’d been happily scrolling through the schools tumblr gossip page, looking for the story about how Clary Fray apparently had sex with Jace Wayland in the sports storage closet. He, of course, knew it wasn’t at all true and that Jace was still, in fact, a blushing virgin. But it was still fun to read.

 

Jace was lapping it all up. He liked the attention.

 

Alec had just lifted an oreo to his mouth when he’d seen the word ‘bisexual’ and his heart had started racing.

 

_I’m Bisexual._

 

_That’s all._

 

_-Sphinx_

 

Alec wasn’t sure what he was reading exactly, all he knew was that he’d been repeating the same two sentences in his mind over and over for a while, and his cookie had fallen to the floor.

 

He’d probably still eat it.

 

Nobody was around to see him do it.

 

\---

 

It’s a weird moment in time for him when he notices the Gmail address on the corner of the screen. He’d never met another person like him. Not really.

 

He could do this. He could be brave and reach out. Let Sphinx know they’re not alone. Make a friend and maybe find the courage to come out too. Not that Sphinx was out...but it would _feel_ like coming out. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be a little soft and kind of cute I think.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first emails.
> 
> This story will bounce back between emails and whatever you want to call the rambling in between. A 3rd person monologue? I'm sure you'll figure it out. Just pay attention to the timestamps on the emails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll add a list of all the beta's at some point. I'm not entirely sure who's helped with what chapter so I will probably do a list idk don't judge me.
> 
>  
> 
> (Also keep in mind that these are emails between teenage boys? This is how I imagine teenage boys writing emails? )

To: [ crazycatboi@gmail.com ](mailto:crazycatboi@gmail.com)

From: [ bowandquiver@gmail.com ](mailto:bowandquiver@gmail.com)

Subject: Hi.

August 22 2017 at 5:43pm

 

Hello.

I don’t have a secret code name or anything cool like that. I just wanted to say that I’m gay. Wow. Okay. I’ve never written it out before. I’m only writing this bc I think maybe it’ll feel like coming out. Except now that I’m here, I don’t really know what coming out feels like. So...this might be counterproductive.

 

I probably won’t send this.

 

I think you’re insanely brave, just putting it out there like that. Was it nice to type it out? Have you ever said it out loud? I haven’t. It’s nice to type it.

 

I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay.

 

\---

 

To: [ bowandquiver@gmail.com ](mailto:bowandquiver@gmail.com)

From: [ crazycatboi@gmail.com ](mailto:crazycatboi@gmail.com)

Subject: Hi.

August 23 2017 at 9:53 am

 

I could always call you Arrow...if your email is anything to go by?

 

And yes to both of your questions...I’ve said it out loud to myself a few times (it’s nice to test it out) and yes...I think it feels amazing to type it out too.

 

So...how long have you known?

 

Sphinx.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that soft? I can barely write ACTUAL emails to people in real life so I have no idea why I thought I could do this SIIIIIIGGGHH


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's where we establish that Alec has a great big giant crush on someone at his lunch table. Shocking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter lengths change because I struggle with consistency I'll actually fight anyone who wants to comment on it. The chapters WILL get longer though. I don't know why.

Alec has a big group of friends, despite the fact that he has none.

 

There are Jace and Izzy, but they’re his siblings and sometimes he doesn’t really like them that much. They’re loud and pushy and they both spend far too much time being invested in Alec’s personal life for him to consider them friends. He loves them though. Which is saying something considering he had caught them snooping around his room for something not two days earlier. They’re easy to forgive. What with their matching set of puppy dog eyes and Alec’s soft spot for both of them.

 

With Jace comes Clary and with Clary comes Simon, but they both annoy him to the point of pain. It literally hurts his brain to listen to Clary yammer Jace’s ear off while Simon tries to start a conversation with anyone that’s willing to give him the light of day. Alec thinks it’s safe to say he almost hates them.

 

With Izzy comes Pretty Magnus Bane and with Pretty Magnus Bane comes Raphael Santiago. They are in Alec's year, which should make them more his friends than anyone else, but they seem to stick to each other. Like Clary and Simon except there's more silence.

 

Another problem is that Alec can't make himself work around Magnus. 

 

Because he has pretty eyes and pretty hair and pretty _ears_ if that's even possible. Alec can't help but call him Pretty Magnus Bane in his head. 

 

He's just...well he's very pretty.

 

And Pretty Magnus Bane was Alec Lightwood's first official crush. He’s weak at the knees for Pretty Magnus Bane.

 

\---

 

Izzy knows Magnus from dance.

 

Which was something that shocked Alec to learn, it made sense now, but back then he’d only really known how _pretty_ Magnus was. It took him a while to look past that.

 

Magnus had perfect grades and a charming smile that got him out of more trouble than Alec probably knew about. His clothes were always perfect, which isn’t really an indicator of whether or not a person is a dancer, but Alec just didn’t think he’d fit the profile.

 

“How long have you been dancing?”

 

Magnus had smiled at Simon, happy to talk about anything dance related. “Since I moved in with Ragnor. I think I was like 5.”

 

Ragnor was Magnus's guardian. He’d found Magnus at a bus stop, with no shoes or shirt and a lot of bruises.

 

Well, the first part Alec knew to be true because Magnus had told their friend group that himself, but the last part was all speculation.

 

And Alec didn’t like personal questions, so he sure as hell wasn’t going to ask.

 

“That’s so cool,” Simon’s whole face had lit up, “I started learning guitar when I was 6.”

 

Alec had tuned out of that conversation very quickly.

 

\---

 

It wasn’t until the school talent show that year that Alec had fully understood that Magnus was  _dancer_.

 

And boy what a sexual awakening _that_ was.

 

The song wasn’t raunchy and the dance wasn’t sexy, but the way Magnus moved his body had made Alec’s stomach do flips and his heart hammer in a way it never really had before. In a way not too different from the clenching it did when he’d seen a boy shirtless for the first time.

 

Magnus had stolen a piece of Alec’s heart that day. And Alec had never really figured out how to ask for it back.

 

\---

 

Being a dancer means Magnus wears pretty costumes and pretty makeup and it all really adds up to a very Extra Pretty Magnus.

 

Sometimes, if Alec's really lucky, Magnus will keep his makeup on after performances. It's not often but Alec's heart stutters every time.

 

He’d had a genie-themed dance once.

 

“Your eyes look really pretty with gold stuff around them,” he wanted to say.

 

“Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons,” he'd said instead.

 

\---

 

Alec's favourite thing about Magnus being a dancer is the fact that he tends to practice _all the time_.

 

Watching Magnus dance down a hallway between periods is always a fun experience. Or listening to the sound of his feet tapping a very precise beat while they wait in line at the cafeteria, it's all just very… Alec doesn't have a word for it.

 

It's Magnus. It's all very Magnus.

 

\---

 

Lyrical is Alec's favourite dance style. He's not entirely sure what it is, but Magnus is really good at it.

 

“It's about telling a story with your body,” Magnus had described it once, “you just let the music take you there.”

 

\---

 

Alec is not a good dancer.

 

That's just a simple fact.

 

Magnus doesn't seem to understand that though, because they're in the middle of a McDonald's, celebrating Izzy and Magnus's big win at some dance competition, when Magnus decides that now was the time for Alec to shine.

 

“C'mon! This is a nice song.”

 

Why oh why oh why had Alec agreed to help Magnus order?

 

“I- I can't.” Alec gives himself a mental pat on the back. At least he got it out with a minimal amount of stuttering.

 

“Everyone can dance, Alec. Some people are just better than others.”

 

Alec doesn't trust his voice, so he just shakes his head.

 

Magnus doesn't seem to care though because he waves his hips a little and starts bouncing on his toes a bit.

 

“Please stop.”

 

The grin on Magnus's face is slightly terrifying. “Not until you join me.”

 

Alec wants to scream, _‘Magnus, we're in the middle of a McDonald's line! What are you doing?’_

 

Instead, he finds his hands in Magnus's and his upper body being moved against its will. “See! We're great at this!”

 

Alec feels himself smile. It's a nice feeling. He wants to keep this feeling.

 

But Magnus lets his hands go to dance past him to order and the moment Alec thought they were having is broken.

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Magnus being a dancer is kind of like Mr. Spier being a drama kid?
> 
> Yes. 
> 
> That's exactly what it's like.
> 
> And Alec being an archer has everything to do with Bram being the soccer star that saved twentygayteen.
> 
> (In case you haven't figured it out: I suck at chapters.)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOTICE THE EMAIL TIME STAMPS PLEASE IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT YALL THIS FIC MOVES FAST BUT YOU CAN ONLY TELL THROUGH THE EMAILS I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO MAKE IT WORK IN MY LITTLE BRAIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like now would be a great time to add one of those vintage Twilight-era cringe disclaimers. I own nothing tbh. Not the characters or the base of the storyline...even though I'm 90% sure nobody could guess this was meant to be a Love, Simon AU. But it is a Love, Simon AU. Which means that credit is due. To both Cassie and Becky. 
> 
> Imagine me being good at disclaimers and summaries?

From: bowandquiver@gmail.com   
To: crazycatboi@gmail.com   
Subject: The Great Reveal    
27 September 2017 at 3:46pm

 

Do you ever just want the world to know? 

 

Just so badly that you’re almost crying because it’s not fair that you have to go out of your way to tell people this crucial part of who you are? One day I’m going to have to wake up, look my parents dead in the eye and tell them that they have a gay son. It sucks. Straight people have it so easy.

 

I cried once when I was like 15 because we had this big talk during a sex-ED class about self-love and accepting who you are on the inside. Embracing the true you. Back then I didn’t realize that there were people who would look at the true me and see something other than, well, the true me. It was a great slap in the face.

 

I sat on my bed when I got home and really thought about it until all I could do was cry. They never mentioned being gay or anything, but obviously, that’s how I took it.

 

I cried because I loved the true me, I still do, but there was a chance that other people might not. The teacher had said that not everyone was going to accept you, that you’re always going to be different to someone. 

 

I cried because there was always going to be someone who would look at the true me and not love it like I do. 

 

I love the true me, but the only way for others to love the true me too is for me to show them who that is. Which sucks because I’m too terrified to actually come out to anyone.

 

I just want to tell someone. Someone who’s not going to judge me or look at me differently. 

 

Idk. I’ve spent my whole life being loved by these people, so how the hell do I tell them they’re been loving a fake version of me? A mask?

 

Row.

  
  


\---   
  
From: crazycatboi@gmail.com   
To: bowandquiver@gmail.com   
Subject: RE: The Great Reveal   
27 September 2017 at 5:56pm   
  
My Dear Row,   
  
I understand completely. Sometimes it's like the words are right there on my tongue but I just...forget how talking works.   
  
I feel like it's close though...sooner than I think I'm really ready for. I want to scream it to the world and let them know who I am.    
  
I was going to say who I _really_ am...but I feel like the world already knows who that is. Well, I really hope the world knows, because I've done a truly piss poor job of hiding it.    
  
I'm ready...but I'm scared...but I just want it out there...but I don't want things to change...I'm repeating myself.  I don't know. It might be different for you...but I still understand. I still know that fear.   
  
So now that you've poured your heart out, and I've done a slightly terrible job of trying to express that I kind of maybe know what you're feeling...How was your day? Because mine was really shitty.   
  
Sphinx.   
  
\---   
  
From: bowandquiver@gmail.com   
To: crazycatboi@gmail.com   
Subject: The GREATER Reveal    
27 September 2017 at 7:02pm   
  
Mr Sphinx,   
  
If you throw yourself out of the closet I'll more than likely know exactly who I've been pining after for the past month.That kind of terrifies me. 

I guess you’ll know when you’re ready. I think. I hope. Please don't trust me on this.  Also, you can always be your true self with me. I promise. And I'm not sure about the difference either. Sometimes I feel like if I was like you it'd be easier. My parents would take it better, maybe.    
  
That's mostly what I'm afraid of. Losing them. Idk. Coming out to them would be the worst part of it for me. "Hey guys, I really wanna kiss boys. Oh, also, the reason I figured that out is bc when I was like 12 you brought home this kid and I thought he was pretty. And he still lives with us. Except now I want to punch his stupid face instead of kiss it. Which I guess is progress."    
  
Now you probably think I'm insane. Oh well. I swear I don't want to make out with my brother.    
  
Anywho.    
  
My day was surprisingly okay. I got some new arrows. My dad took me out to test them. Idk. I hope your day got better.    
  
I'll fight whatever made your day shitty.    
  
Arrow.   
  


\---

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me not knowing how to write emails is the most Katitty thing about this fic.
> 
> I love comments and I love ranting about my fics in them so if y'all wanna join me down there...I usually hang out for like an hour after I post and wait to see who loves me the most (that rhymed? changing my career to songwriter.)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a Halloween party...on the 26th of October in this fic bc lets be real y'all Americans go hard all October. Y'all be in that spooky spirit up until whatever the hell Thanks Giving is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost cried writing this. Let's not talk about that. Let's talk about the fact that the 3 people who beta'd it told me it was soft...I guess I'm getting better at the fluffy stuff. Idk.

Everyone's laughing at a joke Magnus had made. Alec might have been laughing as well if he'd been paying attention.

Magnus still has his stage makeup on. His cheeks glow a little and it's very distracting. Izzy had said it was 'poppin'. His 'highlighter'.

Alec doesn't care what it is or what it's for. All he knows is it's got him weak at the knees, and thankful that he was seated when Magnus had walked in.

"Is there something on your mind, Alec?"

It's Clary.

She's covered in paint and there's a pencil behind her ear. Alec often struggles to not comment on how stereotypical her getup is. Such an artiste.

Magnus turns to look at him too. Alec can see his face scrunch up a little in concern out of the corner of his eye, and he struggles to not look away from Clary, lest he ends up confessing all his deepest secrets to the pretty, glowing boy next to him.

"Strawberries have more Vitamin C than oranges."

See, this is what Magnus does to Alec.

Reduces him to a blubbering, incompetent baboon, who spurts out random facts in front of the whole lunch table instead of just ignoring Clary.

Magnus lets out a surprised burst of laughter.

Alec wishes the ground would swallow him up so he never has to listen to Pretty Magnus laughing at his expense. But that's never going to happen, so he settles for glaring at the red headed devil.

\---

Magnus is having a party.

Which is cool. Alec doesn’t like parties but he’s heard about the ones Magnus has thrown.

He’s not all that excited about it. Izzy, on the other hand, is very excited. Very excited indeed. In fact, she hasn’t shut up about it since lunch.

“I’m going as a goddess! Oh! What about Selena? Should I go as Selena?”

Alec’s not sure when his attention phases out, but it’s back on her at her suggestion that he should go as Robin Hood.

“No. No, absolutely not. I’m not dressing up, hell Izzy, I’m not even going.”

She pouts. But she drops it, so he considers it a win.

\---

He ends up at the party for some reason.

He knows it's for Halloween, and he knows it's being thrown at Magnus Bane's house, but he's not sure why _he's_ there. Probably because of Izzy.

Still, he feels like a liar. He’d told Sphinx he was staying home, that this kind of stuff wasn’t his scene. But he’s a big brother to two reckless siblings. What else was he supposed to do?

\---

Jace is dressed up as Draco Malfoy.

The most entertaining part of the night so far, for Alec, is Simon's constant glare at the back of the blondes head whenever he spots it.

"He's never even read the books," he'd exclaimed to Izzy as she'd ushered them into Alec's car. "And he's only seen Goblet of Fire! HE KNOWS ONE MALFOY LINE!"

And now, he's trailing behind Izzy like she's the only person in the room, huffing at the sight of Jace like his costume means the end of the world. "Maybe," Izzy says while pouring herself another drink, "you should have come as Harry Potter. What with your cute glasses and all."

\---

Magnus has whiskers and a little pink nose drawn on in sharpie.

And maybe Alec could sum his costume up like that, except he's dressed in clothes that look like they've been stolen right off the back of a Disney prince. And he's got a crown on.

It's all very confusing.

"Fetch me my rapier, boy!"

Magnus is all smiles and loose shoulders. His cup is probably empty and he's swaying only a little. Alec's heart stops when Magnus's eyes catch the light, because they're covered in bright yellow cat eye contacts, and they make Alec's lungs a little sore. A little breathless.

_‘How can someone make animal eyes attractive?’_

"What," it's Izzy who chuckles it out, "exactly are you supposed to be?"

Magnus looks incredibly offended.

"Tybalt! The prince of cats?"

Everyone is incredibly confused. Except for Alec. Alec actually pays attention during English class. Mainly because he doesn't share it with any of his 'friends'.

He likes English.

"From Romeo and Juliet?! Come on you guys, get with the times."

It's a nice moment, and Alec wants to cherish it. Because everyone is a little loose from the alcohol they shouldn't be drinking, and Alec's loose from the high of being in a room with Magnus and not making a complete fool of himself.

"Get with the times?" Jace cackles. "I'm dressed as Draco Malfoy from one of the greatest franchises of our time. You're the one who looks like he stepped out of a Snow White and Aristrocats crossover."

Magnus's smile could probably light up a room a million times the size of the one they're in, but Alec's happy to settle for this one. "It's AristOcats, not AristROcats. And you're wearing a Hufflepuff tie. I can't believe Semen let you leave the house like that."

"Semen?! Really?! I need a drink."

It's the last Alec really sees of Simon for a while.

\--

Alec, for reasons unknown, spent most of his time at the party in the bathroom.

With Simon Lewis.

Who was covered in barf and had fallen through to door with tears and snot everywhere. It didn’t take much for Alec to decide that taking pity of the drunk guy would be better for his heart than walking in on Magnus and Camille making out in the kitchen or something.

Camille is Magus’s girlfriend. And she’s very pretty and very rude and maybe Alec has a bit of a crush on Magnus. Big deal.

So he’d sat in silence while Simon wailed into the toilet bowl for a while. It wasn’t so bad. Unless Simon was talking. Then it was terrible.

“They’re singing karaoke! Alwec- Alrec- Al- Al! Do you hear that? They’re singing karaoke and I’m a mess.”

“Okay. Never call me Al again.”

“But I love karaoke.”

\---

If Alec wasn’t looking for any excuse to flee the party, he probably would have told Simon to find another ride when he’d looked up at him with his stupid big puppy eyes and whispered, “can you please take me home?”

“Sure.” He didn’t have to be happy that this was his best chance to escape. “Get up.”

The angels that guide him must have been testing him though because Simon looked back at the toilet bowl with a look that Alec could only describe as sorrow. “I don’t think I can.”

\---

Getting them down the stairs could have much been easier than it was, honestly. Alec could have just thrown him down them.

But he hadn’t.

Because Pretty Magnus Bane was looking extra pretty with the light of the karaoke projector splaying rainbows across his face.

He had the microphone but he wasn’t singing. No, Magnus was doing what Magnus does best.

He was dancing across the stage with a smile on his face and his crown around his bicep because it had probably fallen off during one of his little spins.

The crowd though, that seemed to be everyone else from the party, was singing the song for him. Something about blank pages and dirty windows. Which just sounded stupid. Until Magnus joined in to yell across the room at the cluster of girls who Alec could see were huddled together on a couch in the back. “RELEASE YOUR INHIBITIONS! Feel the rain on you SKIN!”

Alec turned to the girls, who were a giggling mess, and then back to the crowd. Which he now noticed definitely consisted of more men than women. And then he looked at Magnus.

Pretty Magnus.

“This is so depressing.” Simon’s whiny voice was not something Alec wanted to hear.

So they left.

\---

It's entirely unfair, Alec thinks, that he's somehow the one who's been tasked with the unfortunate mission of returning a very drunk Simon Lewis to his very overprotective, ex-alcoholic mother.

SURE! He did this to himself. He’s still doesn’t have to be happy about it.

"Have you ever been in love?"

Simon had forgotten his sorrows about five minutes into the drive and had started spewing out random questions and phrases and questions that were _actually_ phrases instead of crying.

_‘Who decided to have a party on the other side of town?_

_Oh yeah. Magnus Bane._

_Damn him.’_

"Alec?" Perhaps this time Simon’s serious about the question, but his head is still rolling around on the headrest, and his smile is still goofy enough to convince Alec he'll never see him sober again. "Have you ever been in love?"

Has he? He’s not sure. Maybe. His whatever that he feels for Magnus might be love.

He’s not sure if he’s ever been in love before, but he thinks he knows for certain that he might be getting there. 2 months in and maybe, maybe, maybe he might be falling in love with Sphinx. Just a little.

"I think so."

Alec's not entirely sure why he answered. He'd ignored every other question so far. He was good at ignoring Simon.

In his defense though, Simon was very good at being ignored.

"Who?"

There's a pounding in Alec's ears that's only present when he's confronted with the chance of actually talking to someone about Sphinx.

He pulls the car over to the curb.

Simon is still very drunk right now. Simon probably won't remember any of this tomorrow morning. Simon will probably be so grounded he won't be allowed to think about how very gay Alec is.

Alec chances a glance at Simon. He looks significantly less intoxicated. Alec throws that thought aside though because he'll only use it to talk himself out of this. And he's done being a coward.

"I'm gay."

He doesn't stutter.

His voice doesn't falter.

He sounds strong and brave to his own ears, but as he listens back to those words in his mind he thinks he sounds like a child.

"Okay."

Alec's not sure if it's as simple as that, or if Simon is so drunk he just can't react.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

There's no gasping for air and the world is still turning. Alec lets out a shaky breath. "Okay."

There's silence. Probably not a lot but Alec can hear every second of it.

"Is it me?"

Drunk Simon I very confusing. Alec thinks the universe is _entirely unfair_ for making him brave enough to come out to Simon.

While he's drunk.

"Huh?"

"Is it me? Are you in love with me? Is that why you told me? Because I feel like that's where this is going."

There's laughter spilling from Alec's mouth and his lungs get a little tight when he looks at Simon and it's just _Simon_. Weird Simon who sits at their table because it's Clary's boyfriend's table. Who shouldn't really fit in but he does. Because who else is going to fill the silence.

"No. No, God no."

Simon's smiling too, though he pulls an offended face at Alec's denial. "What? Why not? Is there something wrong with me?"

"Yes," Alec laughs a little louder, a little harder. "You're _Simon_."

Simon laughs too, strong and happy in an obnoxiously drunk way.

There's no tears or rejection. No pain and no loss.

Just Alec and Simon. In a car that smells like a rotten brewery because they weren't smart enough to ditch Simon's beer and barf stained shirt.

And it's normal. More normal than Alec's ever felt.

Alec sends a silent thank you to whoever's been guiding him tonight because they led him to Simon. And Simon made this normal.

And he'll never be able to repay him for that.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tag yourself I'm Simon thinking it was him.
> 
> This chapter was chopped up originally and beta's by like 80 different people (Also at the end I'm going to add a list of all the beta's for this fic bc I had SO MANY LOVELY PEOPLE AND I FORGOT WHO DID WHAT so if there are some bits that don't make sense or if there are mistakes it's because I had to reword some of it idk we're just going with it.  
>  
> 
> AAAAALLLLSSSSSSOOOOO I have no idea how to write Camille in so that's why she's SUPER BACKGROUND just know that her and Magnus have a 'thing' (I'm pretty sure y'all can guess what that means)
> 
>  
> 
> (Spoiler alert idek what that means)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short.
> 
> Yes.
> 
> The lengths of these chapters may give you whiplash BUT SOME ARE SUPER LONG OKAY IT TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE THIS FIC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what I'm still not good at
> 
>  
> 
> Emails.

From: bowandquiver@gmail.com

To: crazycatboi@gmail.com

Subject: Secrets and Lies

27 October 2017 at 1:13am

 

I came out to my friend tonight. Or last night. I never know what to say when it’s after 12 but I haven’t slept yet. Is it technically morning? Well, he’s not really my friend. At all. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken more than two sentences to him in the whole time I’ve known him. Idk. It just happened.

 

He was drunk and he kept asking all these questions and I came out to him like I was just breathing air. I was so brave, Sphinx. You should have seen me. I didn’t even let myself be scared. I just did it.

 

“I’m gay.”

 

There was this whole other thing where he asked me if I was in love with him but he was drunk so he’s forgiven.

 

I guess I lied. I told you I was staying in but I ended up going to that party. I wasn’t planning on it and before you ask: no. I won’t tell you what I was dressed up as.

 

I’m still not ready.

 

Row.

 

\---

 

From: bowandquiver@gmail.com

To: crazycatboi@gmail.com

Subject: RE: Secrets and Lies

27 October 2017 at 10:11am

 

I’m so proud of you! Is it weird that I’m smiling like crazy all because you told someone in your real life that you’re gay? You’re so brave! (I also don’t know but I’m pretty sure it counts as morning..unless it happened before it was morning.)

 

I get that you’re not ready and I understand...maybe when we do meet you could tell me about this sort-of-but-not-really friend of yours and why he thought you were in love with him?

 

Sphinx.

 

P.S: Is it really lying if you never actually confirmed your plans for the evening? I’m not sure...I won’t hold it against you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very tired I don't think you'll ever understand.
> 
>  
> 
> Comments? I like replying to them.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Alec deserve the flourish so they're flourishing damn it. This is 2k words of FLOURISHMENT (probably not a word but let's roll with it) and Alec kind of wanting Magnus to be his email boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm almost 90% sure this one wasn't beta'd but I'm too lazy and awkward to ask anyone so like do your thing and point out mistakes please. Y'all are the best beta's tbh.

The first time Alec thinks Magnus might be Sphinx is during an English class that was being held in the library.

 

“You will have 3 weeks to complete this assignment, including class time which will give you plenty of time to finish it. So I don’t want to hear any complaints, Mr. Bane! Stop looking at pictures of fat cats! It would pain me to have to lower your grade.”

 

The entire class was snickering, while Alec’s mind was being thrown back to the email Sphinx had sent the day before which had consisted of Sphinx ranting about ‘bodega cats’ and how precious they truly are and Alec googling what they were. He had to agree. Precious.

 

His heart hammered and he turned to stare at Magnus, who noticed him after a few seconds and shrugged at him with a sheepish smile. Alec smiled back.

\---

 

The second time was in the middle of lunch when Magnus had sat down across from Alec as per usual, his hair pushed back and to the side. All...pretty and soft looking. Fluffy.

 

“I’m not saying they’re not ugly, Raph. I'm saying that they’re cute!”

 

Alec hadn’t really noticed Raphael, but he did notice the heavy scoff that came out of him in reply to Magnus.

 

“Isabelle! Tell _him_ that Sphynx cats are cute!”

 

Izzy scoffed. “No, I agree with whatever Raphael has to say about them. Creepy.”

 

“What’s creepy?” Alec wants to roll his eyes at Simon, but he’s sort of developed a soft spot for him. Somewhere deep, _deep_ down inside him. Probably in the blackest part of his soul.  

 

“Sphynx’s.”

 

“Like...the Egyptian thingy’s?”

 

“No!” It’s almost a yell. Magnus looks a bit taken back by his own outburst, but he brushes it off with a scoff of his own. One far more adorable than what Raphael had produced before. “The naked cats. Also, they’re not only an Egyptian thing. Sphinxes are a part of all sorts of mythology and different cultures...I really want to see the Great Sphinx of Giza though...because of that part in Aladdin…”

 

He trails off awkwardly. Alec thinks maybe he was the only person interested in his ranting.

 

“I’ve never really seen Aladdin - don’t look at me like that! I was a Lion King kid! - but I agree with Magnus. Naked cats are kinda cute in their weird naked way.”

 

Alec stares at Magnus a little longer before turning to Simon.

 

Sphinx would have chosen the name Sphinx for a reason. Just like Alec chose bowandquiver for a reason.

 

The butterflies in his stomach seem to agree with him.

 

\---

 

The third time Alec thought he might be Sphinx, he decided that he was being unfair. That maybe he was trying to force his idea of Sphinx onto Magnus and that just wasn’t a nice thing to do.

 

He was getting his hopes up and doing that would evidently lead to Sphinx having his heart broken when Alec is disappointed in the end.

 

They were eating outside that day because it was a surprisingly nice day and Simon had insisted. Magnus and Izzy were throwing around song names and Jace was trying to decide if he wanted to braid Clary’s hair or suck her face off more. It was a back and forth thing all through lunch.

 

Raphael was his typical quiet self, sitting sullenly while pretending to ignore Simon. Alec had seen his lips twitch a bit when Simon had stumbled over his words and said: “sorry I’m having a brain fart let me breathe.”

 

Alec had smiled too.

 

But his attention was mostly on Magnus. The way he said things and how his hands came up to play with the air when he was trying to use his wit to persuade her to agree with him.

 

“But Thriller is a _classic_ , Darling.”

 

“Thriller is overplayed! We need to be fresh.”

 

“First of all,” Alec listened to the silence that Magnus held onto while he looked at Izzy with adorable doe eyes, “the King can never be overplayed. And secondly? If I’m forced to dance to any of the songs on the radio right now...I might just lose my mind.”

 

It was the breaks in his words, the way he let the silence build up before adding on the last of his sentences, that made Alec think.

 

It reminded him so much of the way Sphinx writes, his mind just decided that it had to add up.

 

He shook himself from that thought, guilt flooding into his heart as he looked down at his lunch tray.

 

He wasn’t being fair. He was reaching in the dark for any sign that Magnus might be Sphinx.

 

He wanted to slap himself, later, when he was reading another email from Sphinx and his mind supplied Magnus’s voice.

  


\---

 

It’s not until the Thursday after the party that Alec and Simon speak to each other again.

 

Alec’s by his locker when Simon walks over. He’s got on some dumb band shirt and his hair’s an absolute mess, but he’s smiling warmly at Alec as he approaches.

 

Alec wants to run and hide, or ignore Simon like he usually does, but his body doesn’t let him do either.

 

“Hey.”

 

Simon waves a little and Alec nods.

 

They don’t say anything about it, but Simon moves from his designated seat by Clary, to in between Raphael and Izzy, just so he can sit across from Alec during lunch that day.

 

\---

 

“You never told me who.”

 

It’s whispered across a desk during Alec’s free period, that he’d decided to spend in the library...that Simon’s science class was currently studying in. Alec wonders for a second if Simon knows that Alec has always wanted to punch his glasses right off his face, but he sees Simon shuffle in his seat a bit so he just shrugs his shoulders.

 

There’s no point in denying it, so he doesn’t, but there’s also no need for Simon to know any more than he already does.

 

“Is it that guy on the basketball team?” Alec’s surprised that his water doesn’t spray out of his mouth. “You look at him sometimes, man, I don't know!”

 

“Maybe mind your own business, Lewis.”

 

Simon beams across at him. He definitely doesn’t know that Alec wants to punch his glasses right off his face. “C’mon Al, we can totally talk about this stuff now!”

 

Alec chooses to ignore the nickname. You’ve got to pick your battles.

 

“No,” he thinks he sounds firm, “we totally can not.”

 

Simon seems to deflate a little.

 

“Oh yeah. I didn’t tell you.”

 

Alec’s not sure he’s ever seen Simon act shy. There’s a first time for everything, he supposes.

 

“Aren’t you gonna ask?” Simon sounds almost hopeful.

 

“No. I hate personal questions.”

 

“Oh. Well, I...I like...what you like. But also girls...and other...stuff.”

 

Alec's caught off guard. “Okay.” He wants to make this normal. He wants to give that back to Simon.

 

“Yeah. So we can, like, totally talk about guys and stuff. If you want. I want. I really want. Guys are great. We can talk about how great guys are.”

 

And suddenly, Alec realizes what Izzy means when she says that Simon’s rambling can be adorable. Though he is never, ever saying that out loud.

 

“Shut up, Simon. I already I told you I don’t know who he is.”

 

“Did you? Oh. I was very drunk.”

 

“Yeah,” Alec thinks about the disgusting smell that’s still lingering in his car, “I remember.”

 

\---

 

There’s an unlikely friendship in Simon that Alec never saw coming.

 

They don’t speak outside of the library, which becomes their little secret meeting place during free periods and lunches when dance and basketball practice overlap with the others breaks. It’s nice. To talk about how great guys are. Or to listen to Simon talk about how great guys are.

 

\---

  


“I was crying over Raphael at the party.”

 

“Cool. I didn’t ask.”

 

“And Izzy. And Maia. It’s all really unfair because they’re all so so beautiful and I’m just here. A little ol’ guy, just wanting to be loved. Why can’t I just have all of them? Also, that new guy, Bat or whatever, Maia’s like totally into him. Which is fair I guess but like, I’m right here.”

 

“Simon?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I don’t want to know about your crush on my sister. Or your crush on Raphael. Or Maia. Or anyone. Because I’m reading about dissecting a frog. And also because I really just don’t care.”

 

“Right. Sorry.”

 

\---

 

On the third week of their little alliance, Alec drives Simon home because it’s raining.

 

And, for some reason, he tells Simon about the emails.

 

It feels good.

 

\---

 

The first time Simon decides to talk to Alec during school but outside of the library, Alec mentally slaps himself for staring so intently at the very Pretty Magnus Bane that’s smiling beside Camille’s locker.

 

“Wait...woah. Magnus?!”

 

Simon is more than lucky that he knows how to whisper because Alec very nearly punches his glasses right off his very stupid face.

 

“Shut up. Don’t talk for five minutes and please, for the love of God, stop asking me personal questions.”

 

“Oh right,” Simon smiles up at him, “I forgot that you hate that.”

 

\---

 

“So…Magnus?”

 

Alec groans low in his throat. He’s always been afraid of speaking too loudly in libraries.

 

“I-” he doesn’t know why he does, but he answers. “I don’t know. I already told you. I don’t know.”

 

“Do you get like a vibe? That’s called a gaydar.”

 

“Jesus Christ Simon, what in the _hell_ is a gaydar?”

 

“Oh, you poor boy.”

 

Sometimes Alec wishes Simon's mother never taught him how to speak.

 

\---

 

“What’s…” Alec feels stupid for asking. “What your like...gay thing?”

 

The question shuts Simon up for a minute. Alec thinks he should ask it more often.

 

“If you’re trying to say sexuality...I’m not sure. It takes time to figure this stuff out, ya know? I think it’s different for everybody.”

 

Alec doesn’t like personal questions, so he doesn't ask, but Simon is a fast learner, so he does it for him.

 

“Do you want to know more?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Simon’s smile is soft and kind. Alec thinks he looks better when he smiles like that. Less awkward.

 

“Well, I’m still trying to figure it out myself so don’t expect some great philosophical rant about how the brain and the heart and the sex drive work together to make up a persons preference or anything. I don’t know. I’m not really sure what to even call it. I just...spent a lot of time during the start of the whole puberty thing wondering when I was going to start liking girls. And then I realized that I do like girls, I was just confused by the fact that I also like boys...and then one day I sat down and really thought about it and it was like...I just thought like, as long as it’s a good person, ya know? As long as they’re just...a good person. A pure soul. That’s the most attractive thing about a person.”

 

“That’s a nice way to look at things I suppose.”

 

“It’s not a way of looking at things, Alec. It’s the way my being _feels_ about love. But I get what you mean. I do.”

 

\---

  


“You know, you’re really good at hiding your feelings.”

 

“Thanks, I’ve spent the last 5 years practicing.”

 

“I still saw the way you looked at Magnus at lunch thoooough.”

 

“I’ll break your neck.”

 

“I don’t doubt that you’d be able to do that...BUT! I’ve seen how soft your eyes get when he does literally anything so I think the guilt of murder would eat you alive, so I’m not too worried.”

 

“Maybe I’ll just settle for breaking your nose.”

 

Simon turns back to the shelf they were rummaging through.

 

“You were looking for English Grammar and Composition right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

\---

 

They exchange numbers during one of their little get-togethers.

 

Because Simon has a band, which Alec had no idea about, and wanted to show Alec their new song. “I’ll text you the SoundCloud link like as soon as I get home.”

 

“Okay. Never call me. I will block your number and break your phone.”

 

“Okay, so texting only. Got it. Also, are you aware that you show love through threats? Is that a conscious decision? You’re never going to find someone if you scare people away when they start making you feel nice things.”

 

“I don’t love you.”

 

“That’s okay, you’re not the Lightwood I want. We’re still friends though. There’s love in friendship. I know the curse of platonic feelings of affection all...too...well.”

\---

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos for Simon and Alec's bromance? No? Too much? Okay.
> 
> We're calling Simon Squeak in this fic because I don't know how codenames work but Simon just needs one because it's what he deserves.
> 
> (Also for those of you who are like Simon and haven't seen Aladdin, when Jasmine and Aladdin are being loud and flying around on the carpet singing about a whole new world, they startle a guy that's building the Great Sphinx of Giza and he ends up chipping the nose off. I never understood it as a child but once 8th-grade History came around and we were learning about Egypt...)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emails? I'm...getting better. I suppose.

To: crazycatboi@gmail.com

From: bowandquiver@gmail.com

Subject: Not-Allowed-To-Playlist

November 22 2017 at 3:02pm

 

My friend, perhaps we should give him a codename too, has decided that Prince’s - FREAKING PRINCE - When Doves Cry is a song that should be on the Not-Allowed-To-Playlist.

 

Did I tell you about the Not-Allowed-To-Playlist? 

 

I drive (let’s call him Squeak) Squeak home on most days. It’s all a very long story but we ended up arguing over who got to pick the music - I would like to point out this is, in fact, MY CAR - but he’s always the one that ends up winning. I am driving so...whatever I guess. So, Squeak decided to make us a playlist that he so cleverly named the Not-Allowed-To-Playlist.

 

Clever or not, I still think it would have been more productive in the end to have just created a playlist full of songs that we both like but, well, Squeak is Squeak. It’s an odd playlist. There are some great songs on that playlist.

 

Is this what friendship is meant to be like?

 

Row

 

P.S yes. Squeak has put a playlist on each of our phones. He’s...odd.

 

\---

 

To:  [ bowandquiver@gmail.com ](mailto:bowandquiver@gmail.com)

From:  [ crazycatboi@gmail.com ](mailto:crazycatboi@gmail.com)

Subject RE: Not-Allowed-To-Playlist

November 22 2017 at 5:57pm

Row, I think you’re doing okay at this friendship thing.

 

My best friend probably isn’t nearly as cool as yours...don’t ever tell them I said that...but we do have an almost secret language. 

 

And this Not-Allowed-To-Playlist sounds almost genius...almost because you’re right. There should be a playlist of songs you both like. Squeak really sounds like he’s something else.

 

Sphinx

 

P.S: Friendship is what you make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean the emails just sometimes don't make sense to me and I'm the one that wrote them? Is it just a writer thing? I guess we'll never truely know.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was just the only thing I could think of that would kind of set Simon/Alec's bromance in motion. Idk. Also, this fic moves pretty fast after thanksgiving so...gear up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (if this doesn't make sense you can take it up with my lawyer)

Thanksgiving almost comes and goes without Alec really noticing. They have a weird secret santa type tradition among their friends where they each pick a name from a hat and they have to write that person a card, telling them why they are thankful for them. He’s sure Simon and Clary started it. He hates it.

 

It’s like a knockoff Valentine’s party and it makes him uncomfortable. Add on the fact that there’s an uneven number of people at their table, it also makes him him anxious. Someone draws what Clary calls the ‘wildcard’ and has to write out two cards. Alec had only drawn that one once  and gotten Jace and Izzy, which wasn't so bad. 

 

He’d gotten Simon and Simon had gotten Raphael. They weren’t supposed to tell each other who got who, so Alec had told Simon he’d gotten Jace. 

 

“Tell him you’re thankful for his stupid hair.” 

 

They’d spent their last Wednesday before Thanksgiving in the library, hiding away from Izzy’s annual burnt chocolate muffins, trying to figure out what anyone would be thankful for about Raphael Santiago.

 

“He has...eyes. I guess.” 

 

“You’re really no help, you know that?”

 

“Okay, Lewis, you’re the one who asked for my assistance. I can leave.”

 

“And go where? To the cafeteria where your sister is forcing demon cakes down our friends throats? Be my guest.” 

 

“I could go sit in my car.” 

 

“Which is visible from our table…”

 

Alec huffed. “I hate you.”

 

“I didn’t park it there.” 

 

Alec, at the time, had gotten self conscious about his card for Simon. Which he had handmade. In his room at 3am while emailing Sphinx about Prince’s Kiss music video playing a leading role in Alec's sexual awakening. Simon had simply bought one from the dollar store. 

 

“I’m thankful for his sense of humour?”

 

“You should be thankful that he has the patience to sit through your Harry Potter fangirl moments.” 

 

“I saw your bookshelf on Izzy’s snapchat…” 

 

Alec glared at him.

 

“I’m thankful for...your patience. Actually, I like that. Thanks.”

 

“Cool. Don’t you have a whole crush on him? You  _ could _ compliment his eyes or something.” 

 

“Yes. I should do that. Dear Raphael, I am thankful that you have squishy brown orbs in your head. Looooove, Simon.” 

 

“I don’t know why I even try with you.”

 

\---

 

The exchanging of the cards was always what made Alec nervous. 

 

Who had him? What had he done for them to be thankful for? Was he nice to whoever they were this year? Did he even deserve their friendship?

 

_ ‘Anyone but Clary.’ _

 

Magnus got his card from Raphael first, then Magnus had handed Izzy hers, who had given Clary hers and Jace beamed at Clary when she slid his across the table. 

 

Alec clutched his card to his chest and glanced down at his lap as Simon passed Raphael his and passed another one across the table to him. They all had store bought cards. 

 

“I knew Simon got the wildcard this year! Must have been hard writing something for Grumpy over there.” 

 

If Clary ever stopped getting on Alec’s nerves, it would probably be because the world was ending. Simon rolled his eyes at her, smiling softly at Alec when he reached for his card. “Maybe you just don’t see how cool he is, Fray.”

 

He tucked the card into his jacket, shaking his head when Izzy had nudged him, urging him to read it. 

 

“I left yours on my desk,” he muttered at Simon. “I’ll...bring it next week.” 

 

“Cool.” Alec liked to think that they’d figured out some sort of unspoken language, that they could understand looks and tones instead of engaging in actual conversations among their friends. Simon smiled at him, soft and patient, and Alec pretended that Simon knew what he was really saying. 

 

I’ll bring it next week.

 

_ ‘I’ll give it to you in the library.’ _

 

Cool.

 

_ ‘I know.’ _

 

\---

 

Simon had huffed a little breathless laugh when he’d seen the card Alec had made for him. 

 

“I wish I’d done more. Yours isn’t even a thank you card.” 

 

“You’ve done enough.” 

 

Alec meant that. With every fibre of his being, in every single cell that made up his body. 

 

The library’s almost empty, just Simon’s science class and the few kids in Alec’s study period (that actually use it to study) littered about, their noses in books or their faces in computers. 

 

Simon had finished whatever assignment his class was doing two weeks prior, he’d had Alec proof read it and blushed for a good 15 minutes after he had complimented him on it. Apparently Simon was a scientific genius. 

 

They’re tucked away in the very back corner on the second floor of the building, up with the encyclopedias and books about religion. There’s no one else up there, all the chatter and whispers flitter up to them from below to almost make it feel like they’re invisible. 

 

Simon reads his card out loud, his voice cracking as he goes, not bothering to wipe the tears that do fall when he finally gets to the end of it. Alec’s not really sure if that’s a good thing.

 

Simon's just a very emotional person. 

 

\---

 

_ ‘Simon.  _

 

_ I am thankful for your ability to fill the silence, even when it’s really not necessary. _

 

_ I am thankful for the faces you make at Jace when you think no one’s watching. _

 

_ I am thankful for the advice you try to give me. I am more thankful for the good advice than the bad.  _

 

_ I am thankful for your music taste.  _

 

_ I am thankful for your friendship.  _

 

_ I am thankful for your acceptance. _

 

_ I am thankful that I can talk about how great guys are with you. Even if I don't actually do that.  _

 

_ I am thankful for the fact that all you said was ‘okay’.  _

 

_ I am thankful that you made it normal. I will never be able to repay you for that.  _

 

_ I’ve never had a friend before, because my siblings don’t count, and the first thing I ever told you about myself was that I’m gay. I’m not sure if that’s normally how people make friends but I’ve never been great at this.  _

 

_ You are my best friend, Simon. And I am thankful for you. _

 

_ From Alec.’ _

 

\---

 

“I didn’t mean to make you cry.” 

 

“They’re good tears. Can I have my card back for a second?” 

 

Simon pulls out the first pen he gets his hand on. It’s gold and shimmers. “Clary,” he chuckles under his breath.

 

“Here. It’s not as great as yours but...here. I found it a few years ago and I’ve been saving it for something great.” 

 

Alec’s kind of nervous. He wants to tell Simon that he’s not expecting much, that he knows he’s not someone a lot of people are thankful for. That it’s okay if it’s not heartfelt or kind because he’d seen how much Simon had struggled to write Raphael’s card. Raphael being someone Simon actually liked in a deep and meaningful kind of way. 

 

He chuckles at the card. 

 

It’s Harry Potter, so Alec guesses there’s no point in hiding his secret love for all things fictional. At least from Simon. 

 

**THE SORTING HAT SAID I BELONG WITH YOU!**

 

There’s a little arrow on the inside, pointing towards the side of the card. ‘ _ In a totally platonic way. _ ’ Simon’s handwriting is kind of messy. It suits him.

 

There’s only 3 lines in black pen, written the middle of the blank card. Short and simple and just what Alec expected. 

 

_ ‘Alec, _

 

_ I’m thankful for your humour and the way you try to act like you don’t absolutely adore me. _

 

_ I’m also thankful that you trust me enough with a secret as big as the one we share. I don’t know if I should write it out in a card in case someone reads it and then you break my face for real. _

 

_ We don’t want that to happen. _

 

_ From, Simon. _ ’

 

To the left, next to his little arrow, is an even messier message in shimmering gold.

 

_ ‘You’re one of my best friends too. I’m glad we’re on the same page with that.  _

 

_ Don’t worry too much about there being more than one best friend, I’m sure you’ll remember your favorite Egyptian landmark soon enough. You have more friends than you think, Alec. We’re all here for you.  _

 

_ Thank you, though, because you made it normal too. If I’d told you my secret and you’d reacted in any other way than you did, I’m almost sure the ground would have opened up and swallowed me. I didn’t even think to thank you for that. That’s how normal it felt. _

 

_ P.S: I know for sure you’re a Hufflepuff now.’ _

 

\---

 

Nothing really changes, except Alec understands that Simon does get him. Simon does know him on another level. Simon sees the good in him. 

 

It makes Alec feel a little lighter.

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is a day late. Not the be dramatic but I saw Infinity War and I've been emotionally burdened for the rest of my life. I'll never get that 2h40m back. I'll forever be cursed. 
> 
> I have so many fic ideas for Marvel now though, which is odd. I don't like straying from Malec that often in writing. Idk why. I feel comfortable here but maybe I'll be brave and write something who knows. Maybe I should get through posting this one first lol. 
> 
> I hope all of you that saw Infinity War survived.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving emails? I guess? If anyone didn't know who Spinx was before they do now? I'm still recovering from Infinity War?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna say it. IDK HOW THANKSGIVING WORKS. So just take what I'm giving ya.

To: [ bowandquiver@gmail.com ](mailto:bowandquiver@gmail.com)

From: [ crazycatboi@gmail.com ](mailto:crazycatbou@gmail.com)

Subject: Thanksgiving

26 November at 10:52am

  


I spent most of my day in bed.

 

I’m just tired, Row...I’m so over this feeling. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m so close to ready I can almost taste the victory.

 

You’ve come out to one of your friends...and you said it was a freeing experience. Perhaps that’s what I need. A friend to free me of this burden of a secret.

 

Sphinx.

  


\---

 

To: [ crazycatboi@gmail.com ](mailto:crazycatboi@gmail.com)

From: [ bowandquiver@gmail.com ](mailto:bowandquiver@gmail.com)

Subject: RE: Thanksgiving

26 November at 11:17am

  


Should I be concerned? I’m a little concerned.

 

I know what you mean. Being out to Squeak is weirdly wonderful but it is freeing in a way. If coming out is what you want to do Sphinx, go for it. Let yourself be free.

 

Now, because you seem sad and I don’t want that, let me tell you about my day.

 

My brothers ate an entire carton of ice cream for breakfast. There was no telling them that it would be a bad idea. They’re both eating the food my mother ordered from the diner down the street from our house because they were STARVING and couldn’t wait until lunchtime. And then we’re going to have dinner with my brother’s girlfriend’s family so...I can’t WAIT to watch him throw up in front of her.

 

My sister and I had a sleepover last night. She’s having guy troubles. I have no idea why she thinks being around me would help (I’m not a fun person during the depression hours) but she seems better than she did yesterday. I don’t actually know what the problem is. Just that it’s a guy.

 

She’s looking forward to eating away her feelings all day today.

 

And me. I am sat at my dining room table, typing this from my phone while eating a piece of some kind of oreo slice my neighbor made. It’s not that great, but she’s like 80 years old and none of her children visit her. Like ever.

 

There’s no universe in which I would ever abandon my mother like that.

  


Arrow.

  


\---

  


To: [ bowandquiver@gmail.com ](mailto:bowandquiver@gmail.com)

From: [ crazycatboi@gmail.com ](mailto:crazycatbou@gmail.com)

Subject: RE: Thanksgiving

26 November at 1:23pm

  


I came out to my friend...turns out he’s asexual and we’re both just two idiots that have spent our last 4 years of friendship failing terribly a hiding our sexualities from each other.

 

His reaction was “Oh, I know.”

 

My reaction was “Oh, that makes sense.”

 

Your brothers sound like a fun time. If anyone does end up throwing up in front of their girlfriend...please tell me in vivid detail how it all went down. Please.

 

I’m going to go eat some bread or something.

 

Sphinx.

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...I mean we're one step closer to the big reveal? I guess. 
> 
> The chapters are kind of going by months so they've been emails for like 5 months now? The next chapter is kind of back to Alec's crush on Magnus I think. Don't take my word for it tbh I'm all over the place and Thanos can choke.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You ever written a chapter and hated it because you had such a solid idea of what you wanted it to be but then Clary's throwing cold meat and you're not sure if Simon should date Izzy or Raphael and you're also not sure you want them all to date each other because HEY IT'S PRIDE MONTH but also they're high schoolers and I don't have it in me to put that much pressure on three babies like that? That's what this is. And that's why it's taken so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure this is unbeta'd. I've made a list of all the people that have helped me beta and it's not as long as I remember it being but like 5 or 6 people have helped with this fic and I'm going to list them all once the fic is finished bc I forgot who did what chapter.

Camille doesn’t sit with them at lunch, which is fine by Alec because he can stare at Magnus as often as he pleases without feeling entirely guilty about it. It’s also terrible. Because Alec can stare at Magnus as often as he pleases without feeling entirely guilty about it.

 

It’s better now that he has Simon to kick at his feet under the table when he gets a little carried away with the ‘heart eyes’, as Simon so affectionately calls the  _ looks of friendly admiration _ .

 

But a little after Thanksgiving, Camille does start sitting with them. 

 

Between Magnus and Simon, which is  _ wrong  _ because Simon sits next to Clary, who sits next to Jace, who sits next to Alec, who sits next to Izzy, who sits next to Raphael, who sits next to Magnus, who sits next to Simon. And technically, it’s an 8 seater table, but they’d given up the 8th seat to a Freshman who’d moved from Idaho or wherever, like, 4 months into the school year and sat at the table next to theirs with the other Freshmen. So there really wasn’t  _ room  _ for Camille. 

 

But there she is. 

 

Pretty red lips and a smile that set Alec’s nerves on edge. She’s purring something into Simon’s ear (which Alec’s sure should make Magnus jealous or something, but it’s not) while her poor victim looks around helplessly. Silently begging anyone to remove him from the situation. 

 

Izzy’s a huffing mess, Jace and Clary are in their own tongue-touching-world and Raphael is grumpily crushed against Alec.

 

That’s another thing. With that 8th seat gone, there’d been a lot of legroom. Personal space. 

 

Now, Raphael is pushing himself as far away from the makeout session happening to his left, which means he’s basically sitting in Alec’s lap. 

 

Because now, Simon is next to Camille, who’s next to Jace, who’s making out with Clary, who’s next to Raphael who’s next to Alec, who’s next to Izzy, who’s next to Magnus, who’s next to Simon.

 

“Shouldn't she be sitting with Magnus, you know, her  _ boyfriend _ ? Hmm?”

 

Izzy’s head almost collides with Raphael’s elbow as she practically climbs into Alec’s lap to whisper in his ear. Raphael hears her complaint, turning to shake his head at her. “If she sits near him he’ll just get grumpy. They’re arguing.” 

 

Alec’s stunned into silence. He wasn’t entirely sure Raphael new how to speak actual words. Izzy, though, seems to be unphased by the fact that their tables resident mute...wasn’t actually mute.

 

“Well then why’s she even  _ sitting  _ with us? Simon doesn’t need to be her little boy toy for the day.”

 

Raphael ignores her. “Look at him,” he says, nodding towards Magnus who has headphones in, moving his shoulders slightly to the beat of whatever he’s listening to, “avoiding his problems.  Patético.” 

 

“That has nothing to do with Simon not deserving  _ that _ .” Maybe Izzy’s a little jealous, but her whispering has become murmurs and if she doesn’t keep it down, she’ll make things even more awkward. “I. Don’t. Care. About whatever fight those two are having. Simon looks like a terrified puppy over there.  _ Estúpido _ .” 

 

Simon catches Alec’s eye then. He seems exceptionally desperate. 

 

“I can’t be here anymore,” Alec says, hoping his expression is deadpan enough for the others know not to follow him. “So...bye. See you in class, Raphael.” 

 

He drags his chair over to the Freshman table, laughing under his breath at the sight of them all simultaneously leaning away as he nears the table. He’ll never understand why people find him intimidating. 

 

He’s halfway up the stairs in the library when Simon collides into his back. “What the actual hell, asshole? She put her creepy pale hands on my thigh and I thought she was gonna touch my...ya know.” 

 

Alec decides to try and lighten the mood.

 

“Okay, Izzy was right. We need to protect you at all costs. Also, you can’t run in here. You’ll get us kicked out. Then where will we go to talk about how great guys are? Hmm?” 

 

There’s a class in the library, so Alec and Simon huddle in closer to the back corner, lowering their voices more than usual. “I’m sorry but I don’t want to be anywhere near her. Also, if she sits with us tomorrow I’m taking Raphael’s seat on your lap. Please...please listen to your sister and protect me.”

 

There’s some chatter, then silence between them for a while. Alec’s on his phone, planning out his next email to Sphinx, and Simon is reading through his English homework one last time before having to hand it in after lunch. 

 

“I wanna ask Izzy on a date.” 

 

Simon is flinching when Alec looks up at him. 

 

“Why are you telling me this?” 

 

“Because I know you don’t want me to date her and I don’t want to go behind your back because we’re friends now.”

 

“I don’t...I don’t not want you to date her. I just don’t want to hear about your  _ feelings  _ for her. Emotions...personal things. That have literally anything to do with my sister.” 

 

Simon smiles at him brightly. “Oh. Well, I had that all wrong.” 

 

“Hmm.” Alec goes back to his email. 

 

\---

 

It’s been two weeks and Camille is still sitting with them. 

 

Sometimes, she drapes herself across Magnus. Plays with his hair or speaks to him in an almost-but-not-quite condescending tone. 

 

Simon has forced himself between Alec and Izzy in an attempt to avoid Camille, his head almost always turned towards Alec, blabbering on about superheroes or the latest band he’d discovered. Alec never engaged in the conversation, but he's happy to sit and listen. 

 

Magnus and Izzy are held back at rehearsals on Tuesday. Izzy had sent him and text reminding him to protect Simon from Camille until she got there. 

 

“Can I ask you a question, Alex?”

 

Alec doesn’t look up from his phone. “As long as it’s not personal.” 

 

“It’s  _ Alec _ ,” Raphael says at the same time. 

 

He glances up then.

 

Camille is sitting across from him, her long hair flowing over her shoulders and her red lips curved into an I’m-better-than-you smile. “Aren’t most questions personal?” 

 

_ ‘She thinks she’s funny.’ _

 

“In a way, yes. Now...don’t ask me any other questions. I’m busy.”

 

Alec chuckles softly to himself at her terrible attempt at masking her annoyance. 

 

Sure, she’s never really given Alec a reason to hate her, but she gets to kiss Pretty Magnus Bane and play with his pretty hair and hold his pretty hands. He thinks he deserves just a  _ little  _ hatred.

 

“Simon!” Camille looks up and over Alec’s shoulder. “Come. Sit, keep me company.” 

 

Raphael may or may not laugh as Simon throws himself onto the chair between Alec and Jace, but Alec’s not really sure, he’s never heard Raphael laugh. 

 

\---

 

Magnus and Izzy join them halfway through lunch. 

 

They spend weeks figuring out their makeup for each dance because even their eyelids need to compliment their movements, so while Magnus was almost barefaced the day before, with nothing but a deep blue mark under each eye, today he’s covered in purples and midnight blues. There’s some glitter on him too. 

 

He really is so very beautiful. 

 

Nobody says anything when they sit down, Izzy dragging a chair around to sit next to Simon, shoving Jace closer to Clary, glaring at Camille as she does. 

 

‘Oh. Oh.  _ Simon  _ is the guy problems,’ Alec thinks, ‘at least she won’t turn him down.’

 

It’s oddly silent at the table and Alec realizes it’s because Jace or Simon usually make comments about Magnus’s makeup. Jace, when he wasn’t tongue deep in Clary’s throat, almost always tells Magnus if his choice of makeup looks good on him. With complete and utter honesty. No matter how brutal.

 

But nobody says a thing. But Clary pulls away from where she’d been casually sucking a hickey onto Jace’s jaw, side-eyeing Camille as he straightens her self up. 

 

Simon nudges Alec’s ribs, turning his head to the side a little at the same time Alec does. He wonders what they might have missed during one of their lunch skips in the past two weeks for this much silence to be hanging above their table.

 

Alec leans forward a little, just in time to see Jace awkwardly avert his eyes from Magnus, staring down at his food tray before glancing up at Alec. 

 

“We talked about this last week, Magnus.” Camille has an odd way of making her voice sound patronizing and concerned at the same time. Like she’s a snake trying to calm a terrified child. “You’re a young, handsome  _ man _ . You shouldn’t be walking around like that.” 

 

She pauses. Stares at Magnus with an almost evil smirk on her stupid red lips and Alec sees Magnus tense up, his arms pull in tight to his sides and his jaw clench. 

 

“You wouldn’t want people to think you’re  _ gay _ , would you?” 

 

She whispers it, not loudly or with a false hush to her voice. It’s very clearly meant to only be heard by Magnus, but Alec hears her and then there’s knots and knots and knots in Alec’s stomach that makes him want to throw up all over the table and Magnus’s pretty makeup. Maybe the room spins a little. He’s not sure. 

 

“Who cares if people think that.” Simon’s voice goes up a few octaves when he’s angry, Alec thinks, or maybe that’s the blood that’s rushing past his ears just distorting the noises around him. “Being gay isn’t a bad thing.”

 

“You can leave now,” Izzy says at the same time that Clary flicks a piece of ham from her picked apart sandwich towards Camille’s cheek. 

 

There’s a shriek and a clatter as Camille throws herself around before standing up, glaring down at everyone. “Let’s go sit somewhere else.” She turns to Magnus.

 

Alec wonders if she knows she doesn’t sound so scary when there’s deli meat hanging from her chin. He also wonders how she doesn’t  _ feel  _ it just hanging there. Raphael and Alec share a look before Raphael hides his smile behind his hand and Alec tucks his lips in. 

 

“I’m good, thanks.” 

 

She storms off with a sort of whining huff. 

 

Simon’s laughter is what breaks the silence. 

 

\---

 

Jace has science two classrooms down from Alec, and Magnus has a study period that he’ll be using to catch up on a lesson he’d missed for an out of school dance contest. So they walk together. 

 

Jace stops at their classroom, turning to Magnus, who’d wiped most of his makeup off during the second half of lunch. Alec had been disappointed. “The silver eyelashes didn’t really work.”

 

“Yeah,” Magnus chuckles, “I don’t think Mandy really understands what a night sky is meant to look like.”

 

“Alright. Bye. Clary and I are gonna catch a movie after school man, so...tell Maryse I’m studying.” 

 

Alec nods. 

 

\---

 

“Did you see the ham?! Just... _ hanging _ there? Oh, my GOD!”

 

Simon and Alec had been sitting in his car, parked on the side of the road with thick shakes and fries from a takeaway place down the street from Simon’s place, laughing for about half an hour. 

 

“Clary really was the hero Magnus deserved,” Alec chuckled out. “I’m surprised there wasn’t a cat fight right there on the table.” 

 

“I’m more surprised that it wasn’t Izzy throwing the food.” Alec takes note of the warmth that rushes into Simon’s smile as he thinks about her.

 

“Nah, man. She’s a classy badass.” Simon tilts his head like a confused puppy. “She would have skipped the food fight altogether. Gone straight for the throat.” 

 

“A classy badass. Suits her.” 

 

“I know.” 

 

Alec wonders if he should broach the subject - if he should intervene with whatever it is that Simon and Izzy feel, or if that might mess things up for them. 

 

“Izzy likes scary movies.” Apparently, and this is news to him, Alec doesn’t have a word to mouth filter. 

 

Simon nods his head for a second and then turns to face Alec. “Like...Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets scary or…?”

 

“Chamber of Secrets isn’t scary, are you serious?” 

 

“I can’t even look at a snake, my dude.” 

 

“Think scarier.” 

 

“ _ Scarier _ ?”

 

“ _ Scarier _ .”

 

Simon swallows. “Like... _ clowns _ scary?”

 

Alec nods. “Clowns scary.” 

 

“She likes other things though, right? She likes to dance and- and- makeup! She could do my makeup, that’s a great date idea. Hmm. I haven’t even asked her out yet it’s probably creepy to be planning a date that’s never going to happen. I’ll just ask Raphael out. Yeah? Yeah.”

 

“She’ll say yes, Simon. She likes you too.” 

 

“Okay, so like... I was feeling brave and all that but like, have you ever looked at someone and been like ‘I wanna date you’ and then thought about actually asking them out, and suddenly you can see all the things that are perfect about them and you’re just this...this  _ me _ ? I’m just me. And she’s…” 

 

Alec does think he gets that. Almost. He’s never thought of actually asking Pretty Magnus Bane out, but yeah. He knows what that feels like.

 

“Simon, hold onto your thick shake because this might send you into cardiac arrest and I’ll only say it once, but you’re really hot. Nerd hot, but...still hot.” 

 

Alec’s stomach drops and his heart twists and everything stops in his head because he’s never called another guy  _ hot  _ before. Not to their face.

 

This is it. This is where he dies of gay embarrassment. 

 

“Thanks man. I mean...I know I’m not like,  _ ugly _ , but - not to be weird - have you seen your sister? I’m attractive at best. She’s a literal goddess that has fallen for the heavens and is walking among us mere mortals. You too, by the way. I’m almost convinced your mother just births crazy-sexy people.” 

 

Alec ignores the fear and his intestines knotting themselves to laugh at Simon. 

 

“So I’m sexy and you’re hot but you want to date my sister? Man, that hurts. It really does. Right in the heart.”

 

“Sorry man...you’re just...it’s not me, it’s you. You and your secret boyfriend who is probably hanging off the edge of his seat waiting for you to reply and- holy shit I’m still grounded from that stupid Halloween party and I was meant to be home an hour ago bye Alec!” Simon’s clambering about, halfway out of the car before he’s ever finished his sentence, and Alec’s laughing again. 

 

“Bye Simon.” 

 

“Don’t think about my sexy ass while you’re driving!” He yells, running down the street. He drops his backpack and thick shake while he struggles with his gate. 

 

Alec flips him off as he drives past.

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So maybe Camille's the Martin in this fic. I have no idea what she'd be blackmailing Magnus into doing for her tho...y'all can...
> 
>  
> 
> fill in the blanks I guess.
> 
>  
> 
> I wanted to Jace a moment too because it's only fair. All he wants to do is kiss his girlfriend a play basketball the least I could do is show that he's at least a nice guy. So that happened. And Simon's a scaredy cat but we been knew that. Leave a comment if you liked it. Leave a comment if you hated it. Leave a comment if you found a mistake.
> 
>  
> 
> Actually just leave a comment.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> E-Mails. Remeber when they were called E-Mails? Now it's just emails...am I old? Is that what's happening? Or have we as a whole just...adapted to a new, less formal version of the word? Hmm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been good at these. If you're 12 chapters in and still haven't picked up on that then really, at this point, it's your own fault.

To: bowandquiver@gmail.com

From: crazycatboi@gmail.com

Subject: one of those days...

24 December at 3:24 pm

  
  
  


Today was...terrible. 50 bucks says I’ll look back on it when I’m old and my backs crooked, probably drinking whiskey out of a glass my grandson got me from Germany with a cigar hanging from my lips...and I’ll laugh. But not today. 

 

So as a distraction I’m going to watch some MJ videos and cuddle my cat. 

 

Sphinx.

 

P.S you should tell me how your day was. And I mean in vivid detail...I want to know everything. Because I really really like you.

 

\---

 

To: crazycatboi@gmail.com

From: bowandquiver@gmail.com

Subject: RE: one of those days...

24 December at 5:06 pm

 

Well, now I feel terrible for having a good day, though the last few weeks have been a little sucky.

 

Squeak and I had thick shakes and fries after school and during school was kind of uneventful except I got to witness one of the single most hilarious things happen to the problem I’ve been telling you about. 

 

But again I can’t say much. It’ll give everything away. 

 

Just know that I’m almost crying laughing at just the memory. 

 

I like you very much too, Sphinx, don’t worry. The feeling is very much mutual.

 

Row

 

\---

 

To: bowandquiver@gmail.com

From: crazycatboi@gmail.com

Subject: RE: one of those days...

24 December at 5:49 pm

 

I like you...you like me...maybe we should do something crazy and reveal our super secret identities.

 

Sphinx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I was 14 I had really bad depression. To the point where I'd sleep all day and then sluggishly drag my dead and tired feet down the hallway of the house we lived in back then, slide the weird loungeroom door closed so no one else would hear, and I'd sit on the lounge from 11:30 pm to 5:00 am and watch The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and then infomercials. Even now I'm almost positive I could recite the magic bullet blender ad from memory. That one where they're making breakfast for all their friends and that one guy stumbles in and everyone's just so impressed by all the food they're making? YOU'RE GONNA COOK WITH IT? Every morning like clockwork. And then I'd shuffle back towards my bedroom and fall into my bed just in time to hear my sisters' alarm go off. Dark times...dark times. 
> 
> It's something I look back on fondly though. I loved watching The Late Late Show. I also loved the Ellen show. Once I kicked the up all night part of the depression and I was actually awake during the day, I'd watch Ellen while I ate my lunch...which was almost always some form of soup bc I was 14 and too lazy to actually cook anything that didn't involve a kettle, a mug, and satchel of powder. Don't ask me why I'm telling you this. I honestly don't know.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is more of a filler/explanation as to WHY this school is going to have a carnival.
> 
> Also, keep in mind that this is a FICTIONAL school so...it's completely plausible that there could be a student funded dance troupe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me way too long to finish because I fell into the depression hours for like...2 months. The point is it's here now and it's terrible. This fic is almost over honestly I can't wait for it to be gone no offence.
> 
> Please, I BEG OF YOU point out any mistakes.

He sits on it, because that’s how Alec stresses. He sits on it all through Christmas day and then up until New Years.

 

He thinks and thinks and thinks and even sends a text to Simon telling him they needed to talk  _ immediately  _ and to damn with Clary’s party. They’ll figure something out.

 

He freaks out in the shower which, really, is ridiculous. What’s there to freak out about? Alec could just say ‘no’ and be done with it. 

 

But Alec sits on it. 

 

Because that’s how Alec stresses.

 

\---

 

It was a loaded question and yeah...maybe Alec was expecting it. Obviously, they’d talked about it before but this time-

 

This time, well this time was different. Don’t ask him why. 

 

Maybe because it was Christmas time and there have always been those movies where they kiss just as it starts snowing and the camera pans out to show all the houses lit up and yeah. Okay. Alec wants that. 

 

Alec really really wants that. 

 

But he’s at Clary’s New Years party and he’s missed his opportunity. It’s not like he can walk up to Pretty Magnus Bane and kiss him. 

 

Well, he could. But he won’t. 

 

Pretty Magnus Bane probably forgets Alec exists outside of school. 

 

There’s a loud yell and several complaints from the kitchen just as Alec’s phone buzzes. A text from Simon. 

 

_ Meet me in the spare bedroom at the end of the hall. _

 

\---

 

He waits five minutes before the door opens to reveal a sopping wet and sticky Simon Lewis. 

 

“What did you  _ do _ ?”

 

“I thought you didn’t like personal questions?” Simon can’t really resist Alec’s eyebrow raise, it’s a secret weapon at this point. “I may or may not have accidentally on purpose knocked a jug of,” he sniffed his shirt, “spiked punch all over myself so we would have a reason to sneak off.”

 

“Oh. Cool.”

 

“You’re  _ welcome _ ...anyways, what’s the emergency?”

 

There’s a small part of Alec that jumps at the sight of Simon removing his shirt, not because he’s interested in looking or because he likes Simon like that, but because Simone just...does it. Like there’s no second thought to it. Even though Alec is  _ gay.  _

 

“Well,” Alec ignores the jumping inside him, “Sphinx wants to meet me.”

 

“No way that’s awesome!” Simon’s shirt is a little too wet for him to remove it easily, and Alec chuckles at the sight of him struggling. “Assistance is required.”

 

He walks over to help, huffing a little at the effort it actually takes. “Why is this so  _ stuck _ ? I mean...yeah it’s awesome but-”

 

“Alcohol is sticky I guess? At least I smell like peaches and not a trash can...which was apart of my first plan. Whatever, what do you mean ‘ _ but’ _ ?  I thought you wanted to meet him?”

 

“I do but-” Simon glares at him a little when the shirt finally comes off. “But what if he’s not Magnus?”

 

“Who cares if it’s Magnus or not? Are you high? Did Jace give you some of whatever he’s smoking down there?”

 

“Jace is smoking?”

 

“Doesn’t matter. The point is Sphinx could be anyone and you can’t hold onto the hope that it’s one person just because you like him. But, at the same time, who’s to say it’s  _ not  _ Magnus? Don’t you have a whole list of reasons as to why you think it is? Tell me them.”

 

Well, Simon wasn’t wrong.”

 

“Sphinx loves Michael Jackson. Magnus did that tribute dance for him last year because...well he said he admired him but that’s the same thing, right? Sphinx loves cats, like  _ loves  _ cats, and Magnus has that cat shirt that he wore religiously when he first got it. Sphinx likes makeup and Magnus always leaves his dance makeup on even when everyone else wipes theirs off and I  _ think  _ it’s because he likes it too and he just doesn’t want to take it off. There are other things, small things, like the way Magnus’s face lights up when someone mentions The Beatles. What?”

 

“Nothing. I’ve just never heard you speak that much literally ever.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

There’s a bag next to the dresser and Simon pulls out some decent looking clothes. 

 

“I didn’t know you owned nice clothes.”

 

“Says the guy that would wear a  holey, potato sack of a shirt every day if it was socially acceptable? Maybe Sphinx is Magnus. Maybe he’s not. Either way, Alec, he’s still a person. Who has feelings- feelings for  _ you _ might I add -so don’t limit him to someone he might not be.”

 

“I hate how wise you’ve become now that you’re not Clary’s nerdy little shadow.”

 

Simon’s halfway through struggling to get his pants off when he tries to flip Alec off, raising his hand and losing his balance as he huffs out an easy “eat my ass, Lightwood.”

 

\---

 

Alec doesn’t kiss anyone, never has, but he does tap plastic cups with Raphael as the clock strikes 12, and they both turn to glare at Simon as he hoots and hollers at all the kissing that’s going on around them, so Alec considers it an okay start to the New Year.

 

\---

 

It’s not until the following Monday that Alec replies to Sphinx’s email and it’s not as if it’s not justified. They'd been on Christmas break. Arrow could have been busy.

 

Arrow  _ was  _ busy. 

 

Sitting on Sphinx’s question. 

 

He’d replied with a simple ‘are we ready for that’ that he sent just as he was leaving his house for school. He was kind of glad he wouldn’t have an answer until the end of the day. 

 

\---

 

He couldn’t avoid Magnus though, who he’d luckily dodged throughout the whole New Years party because there was a small, tiny part of him that had thought that...maybe maybe  _ maybe _ , Magnus would want to kiss Alec at midnight.

 

Which was stupid.

 

But Magnus was excited when he’d slammed his tray down on the table with a Cheshire cat grin.

 

You see, the school dance troupe is one of the only extracurricular activities that’s funded solely by the students, so the members of the group usually have fundraisers to help them keep the whole thing going.

 

There’d been chocolate boxes and bake sales. Alec and Izzy had helped out with a car wash during the summer before Izzy started high school, but Magnus wasn’t even in town at that point, so it doesn’t really matter. 

 

This year though, this year they’re going big. 

 

Magnus had cackled almost evilly during their conversation about what they’d decided they were going to do. 

 

“They’ll be talking about us for generations to come.” 

 

Simon had leaned across the table to speak quietly to Alec. “They’ve somehow booked like, a whole carnival. There’s gonna be a ferris wheel.”

 

Now, Alec doesn’t like personal questions, so he’s certainly not asking how they managed to do it, but Magnus doesn’t seem to need any prompting for him to spill the beans on it. And Alec’s not going to complain about that, because Pretty Magnus Bane is looking right at him with his pretty eyes and his pretty everything else and Alec  _ isn’t, _ surprisingly, combusting in his seat. 

 

“Mandy’s uncle works for a circus that travels with this carnival during some sort of seasonal thing, and they’ve agreed to bring the carnival into town down on that big showground near the leisure centre because apparently they all just really love Mandy - don’t ask me why, she’s a total  _ bitch  _ \- but they said they’d donate half of the ticket sales that are purchased with a student ID card. So we’re all like...pissing our pants with excitement right now.” 

 

Alec thought he’d done very well. Magnus had spoken to him for a solid minute and Alec hadn’t done anything to embarrass himself.

 

“When baby elephants get grumpy, they throw themselves headfirst into mud.” 

 

And there it was. 

 

Alexander the Great Embarrassment.

 

He’d wanted to slap himself in the face, but Magnus’s face had twisted up a little with a smile. “That’s so cute I wanna cry.” 

 

Alec had just nodded.

 

\--- ~~ ignore the change in past/present tense I wrote this chapter over the course of like 2 months  ~~ \---

 

The carnival is a few weeks away, but Alec’s already sure he’s not going. 

 

He could just donate money to the dance troupe. He doesn’t necessarily need to go to a whole carnival to pitch in. Plus, all those people? Over…? What? Over  _ fewer  _ people at the archery range on the other side of town? It doesn’t sound very appealing. 

 

Plus, Magnus and Camille are probably going to get all romantic on the ferris wheel. That doesn’t sound fun at all.

 

So while his friends are all planning their night out, Alec’s calling Bobby down at the club and booking a few hours of target practice. Magnus looks utterly disappointed when he’s informed that Alec won’t be joining them.

 

Alec glares at Izzy as she tells him. 

 

“He’d rather shoot at empty beer cans or whatever.”

 

Alec’s heart picks up, hoping with all his heart that Magnus’s eyes will find his and he’ll just  _ know _ . Pretty Magnus Bane will just figure it all out. That Alec is Arrow and that shooting empty beer cans actually means firing off arrow after arrow until the tips of his fingers are numb.

 

“I’ll just donate to the actual dance troupe, Isabelle. There’s no need for me to be at the carnival. So drop it.” 

 

Magnus huffs a little to his left. “It’ll be fun, Alec.” 

 

Alec’s a little twitchy. For no reason, really, it’s not like Magnus just blatantly said ‘I’m not your internet boyfriend and I don’t like you’ but it’d sure felt like it.

 

Simon seems to pick up on Alec’s distress though because he squirts himself in the face with orange juice as a distraction. 

 

\---

 

“Dude, you’ve really gotta knock it off with this Magnus thing. It’s starting to get pathetic.” It’s silent for a beat. “What do you like so much about a guy you’ve never met before though?”

 

“Simon…”

 

“I know,  _ I know _ , you hate personal questions. But we can talk about this stuff! C’mon. I need you to tell me about your email boyfriend so I can tell you about how Raphael glared at me in gym today and it was just really sweet!”

 

“You just told me about it. So...” 

 

“Alec.” 

 

“Sherman.” 

 

There’s a chuckle from Simon. “Hey, that’s Magnus’s thing.” 

 

“I want it to be him. God, I really wish I didn’t tell you things. At all. Stop talking. I hate you.”

 

\---

 

Driving Simon home has become something Alec kind of looks forward to. Being able to palm his siblings off to Clary, trade them in for Simon.

 

He’s just happy that Simon has decent taste in music because he’s always stealing the aux cord to add to his stupid Not-Allowed-To-Playlist. 

 

Maybe it’s because, in the safety of his car, Alec can talk about Sphinx. Nobody else can hear him. And he trusts Simon with their secret.

 

“How disappointed will you be if he’s not Magnus?”

 

Alec’s glad they’re at a red light, so he can turn to glare at Simon properly.

 

“Okay, how about this. You drop your ‘no personal questions’ rule when we’re in the car, and I won’t ask you personal questions  _ outside  _ of the car. Hmm?” 

 

“Fine. And I don’t know. I’ve never really looked at anyone else before. Magnus is very… Magnus. He’s just…” 

 

“I know what you mean. I’m not going to give you an example though because you don’t want to hear about my crush on your sister.” 

 

Alec’s not sure if anyone’s ever made him laugh the way Simon does. It’s a weird sort of huff that bubbles up from his stomach when Simon is just being Simon. Maybe this is what friendship is like.

 

“How can you be interested in so many people? It’s insane.”

 

“It’s not insane. I just like to keep my options open. Options open? Is that a saying? I don’t know. I mean, crushes are just crushes, right? Like. I really really like Izzy - oh sorry, I won’t use her as an example. I really really like Raphael, and I really really like Maureen, but if I ever got with Raphael, I wouldn’t think of Maureen that way anymore.”

 

“How do you know that? You’ve got your ‘options open’ so how can you  _ know  _ you’re not going to keep having feelings for Maureen?” 

 

“Because of Maia. I had the biggest crushes on Clary and Izzy  _ and  _ Maia, but as soon as Maia and I started dating...it was like my whole world just kind of zeroed in on her. She was it. All those other crushes? Non-existent. Not there. Gone.” 

 

“Okay, you’re back on the feelings-for-my-sister thing, but ignoring that, you’re interested in her again now?”

 

“Well, Maia’s all happy off with Bat, and by the way...I don’t blame her - I mean look at the guy - but my heart isn’t focused on her anymore. We’re not in a relationship, I always want her to be happy and I’ll always be there to make her happy when I can. But...I’m single now. And that means my options are open again.” 

 

“So you’re all or nothing? Unless it’s nothing? Then you’re just a crush whore?”

 

“I’m not a whore for having crushes, Alec! I’m a whore for sleeping with three girls in one night and making out with some guy in the back seat of a taxi that one time.” 

 

“What?”

 

“Kidding.” 

 

\---

 

Alec thinks he’s just all or nothing. With or without having a massive crush on Pretty Magnus Bane. 

 

Well, he hopes he is. He doesn’t really have a lot of experience. Or any experience. 

 

Sphinx has had girlfriends though. Alec wishes he had a little something to go off. Like, a date with someone at some point in his past. But he doesn’t. 

 

He still likes to believe he’s all or nothing. That as soon as he’s ready to know who Sphinx is, Alec’s whole world will zero in on him. That he’ll forget about Magnus. 

 

Still, he hopes. He hopes without hope that Magnus will be Sphinx so that he doesn’t have to forget him.

 

\---

 

Magnus herds them all out to the Senior tables behind the performance hall. 

 

It’s sunny out, so nobody is really complaining, and the basketball courts are just off to the side so if Jace gets extra douchey, they can just shove him over to his teammates. 

 

The whole dance troupe is taking up the seniors area, even the short freshman. Alec wasn’t a short freshman. Alec, with all his lanky limbs, stood out like a sore thumb. 

 

“No offence, no shade, just tea...uuuh why are we here?” Alec purposefully steps sideways to press down on Simon’s toes. He twists his mouth at Simon when they make eye contact. Simon makes an offended face in retaliation and turns back to Magnus, tapping his shoulder. “You and Izzy are the only dancers, my dude. The rest of us are kind of...out of place here?”

 

Jace gets bored at the sight of the dancers and pulls Clary over to the basketball courts. Magnus turns to look at Simon, his eyes locking with Alec’s for a second before focusing back on the side of Simon’s glasses. If there ever comes a day where Alec’s heart doesn’t jump out of his chest as the sight of Magnus’s big brown eyes always so full of emotions that Alec’s not sure he’ll ever fully understand, it’ll be too soon. 

 

“I just didn’t want to leave you too alone at the table with Jace and Clary,” they all glance over at them, making out under one of the shorter hoops, “I’d hate you two if you ever made me sit alone with them. Oh, wait.” He turns to glare at the both of them, his eyes switching between both their faces. “That’s exactly what you two have been doing to Raphael.” 

 

Simon looks sheepish. “Sorry.” Alec’s heart is picking up speed. They’d spoken about this, about what their excuse would be if they’d ever be asked about where they sneak off to at lunch. 

 

_ Sue us _ , Alec thinks,  _ we deserve to live in gay/undefined solidarity. _

 

“Simon’s been tutoring me in science.” Magnus looks like he doesn’t believe him. “I got threatened with a C if I didn’t pick up a little and, well, being the oldest...I can’t really bring home a C.”

 

Magnus is shaking his head when Alec finishes. “You know you can say you’re friends, right? Nobody’s going to care.”

 

“Cows have best friends within their herds.”

 

Magnus just chuckles a little and walks away.

 

\---

 

Simon and Alec sit at the far end of one of the tables, a science book between them in hopes of throwing Magnus off their backs. They’re not very convincing though, and Jace and Magnus are making their way down the table. So Simon huffs and slides his finger down the page to point out a small section at the bottom. “Atoms are made up of particles called protons, electrons and neurons,” Jace slaps Alec on the back as he walks past, “I tried to ask Izzy out.”

 

“How did that go?” Alec tries to pretend he’s not laughing internally, but he kind of is.

 

“Magnus dragged her away before she could say anything. I thought maybe I’d ask her to go to the carnival with me.”

 

Alec nods. Izzy likes carnivals, she likes winning things, more than anything. Magnus is staring at them though, tilting his head to the side and squinting so Alec doesn’t tell him that. “Tell me more about atoms, you nerd.”

 

\---

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it? I mean...it's long. And...a little boring let's be real. 
> 
> The next chapter (after the next emails) will be...interesting...and heartbreaking...and one of my favourite chapters I've ever written. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always fun! 
> 
> #SaveShadowhunters


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will say this: my emails are getting...better.

To: crazycatboi@gmail.com

From: bowandquiver@gmail.com

Subject: RE: one of those days...

8 January at 7:40 am

 

Are we ready for that?

 

Row

\---

To: bowandquiver@gmail.com

From: crazycatboi@gmail.com

Subject: RE: one of those days...

8 January at 8:23 am

 

I am.

 

Sphinx

\---

To: crazycatboi@gmail.com

From: bowandquiver@gmail.com

Subject: The thing is,

8 January at 3:20 pm

 

My world is slowly starting to fall into place I’m terrified. Terrified of everything, of the god damn WIND because what if it shifts even one little thing and I lose all the other little things I’ve gained these past couple months? 

What if I’m not who you want me to be? 

 

Arrow.

\---

To: bowandquiver@gmail.com

From: crazycatboi@gmail.com

Subject: RE: The thing is,

8 January at 4:03 pm

 

There is no way, in any universe, where you won’t be exactly who I want you to be. It’s okay, Row. We can wait.

 

Love, Sphinx.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My my my, Magnus. Did anyone else notice that little development in his little email there? Hmm.
> 
> I've been on a Harry Potter binge, my friends. 3 marathons back to back because I honestly need some help. I don't regret it though. Not even a little. 
> 
> Seamus and Dean deserved their great love story and I hate that JKR didn't make them canon. Like...what exactly would them being together have taken away from the story? It's the same as Dumbledore. She didn't put it in because she didn't want to give the gays what they deserved.
> 
> I know the truth though.
> 
> Deamus remains the greatest love story in all of Hogwarts history.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Just a fun fact about me: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO WRITE EMAILS SO.......................................... 
> 
> If you have any problems with this or how things are being played out, please tell me! I'm more than happy to fix any mistakes I've made or adjust it to make it feel more authentic. I'm very nervous about doing this wrong and I don't want to let anyone down!


End file.
